Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
