I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
FUCK WHALES
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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