atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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