Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
