where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize