i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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