So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize