I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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