the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
