I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
