smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
