the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize