whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
