I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
