Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
