If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
