the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
