what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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