Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize