I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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