you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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