So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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