you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
