He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
