So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just shotgunned beers for America
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
