dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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