Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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