I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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