Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
