matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize