Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
