hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i've created a new STD.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
