take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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