This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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