So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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