I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
