She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
