saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
