FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
