Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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