I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
