exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
