I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
