I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
