the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
