Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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