I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
