And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
