the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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