if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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