Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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