oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
