During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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