I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
