grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
