I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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