I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
