I think I am morally bankrupt
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
