I skipped work to stalk him.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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