Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
