Kiss
Puke
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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