about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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