I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
